There's a good reason I haven't done much of anything since 797 - I've been trying to get off a rollercoaster of depression and anxiety. I thought I did a few times, but it kept swinging back. Sometimes, with striking force.
Mainly, I've been anxious about my own existence.
Afraid I'm not good enough, both musically and socially. That I'll always be a subpar musician, and that I'll be cursed to forever stumble over my own words in an effort to say much of anything.
Afraid of my future. That I'll never amount to anything, that music simply won't work out and I'll have to find a job as a programmer or journalist or - if worst comes to worst - stuck working at Mickey D's.
Afraid of my past. That I've been a failure, due to me not having done much in the first 20 years of my existence, that I've wasted that time sitting on a computer playing stupid games.
Last night, though, I took a trip to Minneapolis (For clarification, 'somewhere cold' means Minnesota. It's damn cold here.)
I was up there to have dinner with family. While I was there, I proved to myself that I'm not a shitty musician. Listening to my music on the way there and back, I realized that I'm pretty good, I just need to find the right inspiration. Music isn't impossible to me, and the nearly seven years that I spent developing my skills haven't gone to waste. I also proved that, despite my Asperger's, I'm enthusiastic, energetic, and can definitely hold a good conversation. In fact, I was afraid a couple times that I was talking too much.
This gets to something important for me: I realized I have two heads. One is my 'thinking' head - the one I imagine my situations in. The one where I'm constantly thinking 'what if?'. In this head, I'm definitely not the best talker. I stumble often, pausing often enough to be awkward. Sure, I can come up with some neat things to say, but it's often enough that I'm shy, or that I have to stop thinking because of a situation gone south. It's this head that I often view myself with, because I don't have too many opportunities to experience my other head.
My other head is my 'real' head, the head I actually go outside with. It's awkward, too, but it's not as bad as I think it is. I can hold a conversation, for one. I can talk to people! I can come up with things to say, and I can listen very well. I also have an interesting personality. I like to talk about myself and what I'm interested in - as well as what other people are interested in. I'm energetic, enthusiastic, and love being myself.
I proved to myself that conversation is less of a 'thinking' thing and more of a 'doing' thing. It comes naturally, and I don't have to 'think' about what to say to say things that work (but that doesn't mean I talk without thinking. I definitely have a filter, even if it's over- or under-active at times.)
One thing about Minneapolis is that it's huge. It's not New York, and it's not even a million people strong. What it is though is a massive cultural center. Whenever I go there, I'm brought to a place in my head I don't often visit. This place is open; it's vibrant. It's full of life. It's among the places with the most depth in my head, if it isn't the top contender. It has an awesome effect on my well-being; depression and anxiety, while they still certainly exist, have a harder time taking over me. It's almost inspiring. Being in such a beautiful place as Minneapolis gives me a beautiful feeling, one that's affected my music and helped keep me sane. It's very good at pushing away horrid thoughts and helping me develop a sort of barrier or shield, because of how sane I feel, how capable I am of self-control.
What this whole stupid long post means is that I've been feeling like shit. I've been trying to get out of it, and tonight has definitely helped. I keep making new song ideas, but none of them have been 'good enough' to finish up and post. I'm hoping to get that changed, that I might be able to make something quick to post. I've also been considering that I might give the daily songs another try, but there's no promises on that.
(I'm hoping this doesn't come off as pompous or self-centered. I thought this would be a good opportunity to talk about my mental health, that it might help others in the process.)
Thank you for reading! Thank you for listening, and thank you for following up on me. Stay sane!
MistyE
yo it's cool to hear you've been feeling better, anxiety is a bitch man but hang in there and keep creatin stuff