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im-leia
hello! i'm leia, and i make music that makes me happy. sometimes it makes other people happy too!
also you can reach me at leia.makes.music@gmail.com

Age 23, Female

hermit

somewhere cold

Joined on 12/3/18

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yo it's cool to hear you've been feeling better, anxiety is a bitch man but hang in there and keep creatin stuff

I’ve long struggled with a similar cocktail of issues. I think that the endowment of knowledge, logic, and understanding can easily backfire on people like us. There’s a long-documented question of the correlation between creativity and depression/anxiety, after all.

I’ve struggled with this stuff seemingly all my life, but it wasn’t until shifting my career/life path to a more creativity-focused direction that I started seeing it disrupt my flow. There’s a lot of mental conditioning (from society, etc) that I need to unravel regarding the legitimate career path of an artist, which doesn’t make it much easier. I can get out of bed by default and murder my soul at a dead-end corporate job, but for some reason I freeze up when I’m faced with an open slot of time to do whatever in. Do I relax, take care of errands/responsibility? Or do I compromise my entire sleep cycle to get in the groove of working on something artistic? So many variables and I’m really hoping I can continue to distance myself from fruitless, dead-end employment.

I want to address your comment about not having done anything for the first 20 years of your life;
It’s dangerous to compare your accomplishments, especially the timing of them, to others. Yeah, there are prodigies out there who have been professionals from a very young age, and had the support around them to be able to get an early start in some of these prospects, or whatever it may have been, but there are also people who sit under the radar until well into their lives. Samuel L. Jackson is my go-to example for this, a man who is now basically a household name at this point. His career was pretty rocky, as was his life, until his 40s when things started picking up.

The point I’m trying to make is that the construct of having to “bloom” during a certain time period in your life is somewhat dangerous to the psyche and motivation. Alternatively, it’s best to seize the day-moment-or whatever and take as much action as you can rather than waiting for that golden ticket to come in the mail. Never give up!

It’s not an easy mindset to adopt, hell, I still struggle with it. I’m 26 and not quite where I’d like to be artistically. I have regrets for not doing things different, missing opportunities, etc, but I have to understand that more opportunities will come up. Thoughts of “what could have been” drift into my mind during vital moments in which I could be focusing my energy elsewhere, and I’m at constant war with them. Despite whatever hardships I could personally list, it seems like ultimately my own head, the same place these artistic ideas come from, is also the reason I freeze up. I only just recently started seeing a therapist, so hopefully that works out.

Also, the feelings you shared regarding your experiences in Minneapolis hit pretty close for me, and echoed several similar feelings I’ve had when taking small vacations or trips. It really is good to try to get out there, whether it be a drive, hike, bike ride, vacation, etc. Sometimes a change of scenery like that, even if temporary like for a trip, can really do a number on improving mental health and thus creativity. Hell, sometimes even changing things up around your own home can help- I try to redecorate or reorganize every few months or so. Depending on your living situation and what’s going on in your life, some people may benefit from moving to a new place altogether. I wouldn’t recommend that as an end-all to most or all anxiety or muffled motivation by any means, as I’ve definitely done that with that intent and it backfired due to a poorly-planned move on my part.

Making small or quick things to post is also a good way at alleviating some of these feelings, as you mentioned in one of the last paragraphs. I’m a painter/digital artist, and for some reason I have an attraction toward working on large-scale, highly intricate pieces loaded with symbolism and subtext to the brim. I’ve got several of these projects under construction, and it gets extremely overwhelming. I’ve taken a break to do some smaller, quicker things and rediscovered that feeling of completing something, which to me, is one of the most satisfying experiences ever.

I wish the best for you, your mental health, and your music!

1. A programmer or journalist is an admirable profession. And there's nothing stopping you from being a good musician at the same time- most programmers are also musicians. (Of course, nothing wrong with working at McDonald's for generating revenue while following your artistic pursuits)
2. Life is not about success and achievements, but having fun and creating value. That said, the biggest achievement is self-improvement. This takes consistent dedication and discipline. Do not compare your achievements to others; self-improvement is not competition for a job, and we all have unique circumstances, traits, and burnout rates.
3. You're only 20 years old, you have an entire decade to find yourself. Relax!

Very good advice, thank you very much.

hey dude, thats a load of bullshiiiiit. fuck depression, it tells you lies. Disregard expectations and put in the time of leveling up. Putting effort into something, no matter how much you feel like you may stagnant, will make you better. The more time you put into it, the more you will grow. And lemme tell ya, you've got plenty of time.

But as for the feelin shit, please do some nice things for yourself. Get outside, go for a walk, drink some hot beverage and find something pleasing to chill with. Whether its fish, plants, or some strange ominous being that has possessed your house. They're all chill.

I feel you.

Don't know you, but appreciate the sharing dude. Mental health is a journey with plenty of ups and plenty of downs.

Glad you're in a better spot.